Happy Halloween


Today is Halloween.  No one really cares about the origins of Halloween, or what it stands for.

What people care about, if you even care about Halloween, is finding that Costume of the year.  The one everyone wants. The one that is sold out everywhere, and is back-ordered all over the internet.

If you care about Halloween, and that’s not the thing you care about, then you’re probably past your 20’s, and a parent.

This next section is for you.

Halloween is complicated

Think picking out the right costume is difficult? Try being a parent on Halloween.

I think Halloween now ranks up there with the other major holidays in terms of its complexity, if you have kids. Sure, you don’t have to travel to see far flung family in the middle of a blizzard like you do on Christmas. Or spend hours slaving away in the kitchen preparing that big dinner on Thanksgiving. But things do get complicated.

The Candy

If you’re a kid, the most important thing about Halloween is the tradition.

Just kidding.

Like a bunch of meth heads looking for their next score, the kids randomly roam the sidewalks, banging on doors, ringing doorbells. They just keep going, from house to house, until that bag is full.

They don’t care that at the end of the night they’ve gathered enough candy to give a small elementary school’s worth of kids diabetes. It’s their booty, and it’s all theirs.

The paranoid parent

If you feel like you live in a pretty nice neighborhood, you probably aren’t too worried about the candy the neighbors are giving out.  But, maybe you’ve got that one shady neighbor who doesn’t seem quite right, and doesn’t have kids, but is still giving out candy for Trick or Treat.

Is it safe? Do I need to be worried about needles or razor blades hidden in the candy?

Aren’t these the things we need to be worried about in today’s day and age?

Trunk or Treat

If you’re really worried about the neighbors, you can just go to a trunk or treat event.  Because people giving out candy from the trunk of their cars seems so much less shady.

Be prepared

Do you have a lot of kids in the neighborhood?  Then get ready. Because unless you’re planning on turning out all of the lights, they’re coming to your door.

Now you have to wonder- do I have enough candy to pass out?  Did I get the right amount?  Did I get the right kind?

We don’t dare run out.  I don’t want to be labeled as the bad house that ran out of candy.

Judge the kids

When you open the door and the kids are standing there, and belt out their “trick or treat, make sure you judge them.

I don’t mean did they get creative enough with their costumes.

Age discrimination

Are the kids at your doorstep too old?  Some people say once they hit their teens (between 12-15) they’re too old to be trick or treating.

I don’t see the harm in it.  Especially if they put some serious efforts into their costumes.

But if the kids on your doorstep look too old to you to be trick or treating, be sure to give them a condescending look. At some point you have to become the cranky old neighbors, why not start with Halloween.

Just kidding.  I don’t care what age you are. If you knock on my door tonight, and you’re wearing a costume, you’re getting some candy. Since when is there a cut-off age for trick or treating.

And besides, why should Halloween be just for the kids?

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